These aren’t my words. They’re answers people posted to that question on Quora, and they resonated with my own thoughts enough that I wanted to keep them in one place.
I was never bothered by the passing of the years, or of youth. But there are two things I never realized would bother me. First, children getting older. My son just turned 18, and I still can’t believe it! Those years passed so fast, much faster than I ever realized they would, and I wish I could revisit his younger years. The second thing you never hear about is death — the death of loved ones. People you loved, who were a big part of your childhood, pass away, and you are reminded of your own advancing age. My aunts and uncles have all passed, and my father passed five years ago. I miss them, especially my grandmother and father.
I have been an adult for quite some time. But when those you love — the adults when you were a child, who to a greater or lesser extent were responsible for keeping you safe and happy — are gone, the cold, hard reality of adulthood slaps you in the face, and you realize that your “safety net” is gone. Even if you haven’t needed that safety net for many years, when it is taken away, you feel very alone.
If you are lucky enough to still have good parents in your life, watching them age is no easy feat. They go from a pair of all-knowing, infallible human beings while you are a child, to know-it-all tyrants who think they know what is best for you in your teens. As the years progress, they eventually turn into your best friends, and you wonder why your heart always held so much angst and rebellion toward their rules as you were growing up.
Suddenly time accelerates and you find yourself needing to help your once-mighty father do simple things like mow the grass. In the eyes of your once-stoic mother you begin to see doubt and fear. Once-hardened faces slowly soften, lined with wrinkles and wisdom. Steady hands begin to shake. A six-pack of beer in the fridge has been replaced by a multitude of prescription bottles on the dinner table.
Next it dawns on you that this once proud and brave couple who groomed you into the person you are today are now facing the end of their life cycle — the one constant unknown that we are all headed for at one time or another.
Your emotions are mixed.
You know as well as they do that one day might be the day, when goodbyes can no longer be spoken in person. And that is the scariest feeling in the world.
And meanwhile, as you watch your parents grow frailer, you turn to see your kids’ eyes on you and realize your fate is sealed just the same.
Since posting this answer, I lost my mother to health complications. So to add to everything above, I now also watch my dad learn to live life without my mother. This has been the most difficult part of the process, and one I am still navigating. Through it, I have stopped being just a son, and can honestly say I am also a best friend to my father. I hope to make what time he and I have left in the world as memorable as possible.
In closing, cherish your parents.
One of the hardest aspects of getting older that often goes unspoken is the emotional and psychological change that comes with it. A few key points:
These emotional and social challenges are often overshadowed by more visible concerns like health or money, but they play a crucial role in the experience of aging.
The world sees a 64-year-old guy, and in truth that is what I am. I can close my eyes and see myself running with speed, lifting heavy loads with no trouble. Now, things I carried two or three at a time I carry one at a time. Unloading a car full of groceries takes a few more trips. It’s not just the weight of the packages; it’s your balance.
Even though I walk every day and lift weights at least three times a week, it’s just not the same. That truly is a hard part for me.
My wife and I are high school sweethearts, so in my mind’s eye we are forever 17. The truth is we are a young, healthy 64, but lots of our friends are going home. My wife and I attended the same schools from first grade through college. We know all the same people, even though we have been gone from our hometown for almost 40 years.
We are both retired, travel all over, and have a nice place at the beach. We have a great life, but when you hit this stage, it all seems to go so fast. Time speeds up when you are older, even as you slow down. Trust me on this, because it’s crazy.
When we were fully engaged in our careers and raising kids, life was so fast that we felt we could hardly breathe. Our goals seemed so far away, and we never thought we would get there. But we did. Now life walks at a much slower pace, but time flies by at warp speed. The seasons merge from one to the next at a sprinter’s pace. Our kids are having kids, and we are blessed to be a very close family. We want to be a good influence on our grandkids, but we don’t pick the time or place.
I remember when our parents retired, and it seems like yesterday. They have all gone home, and soon — even if we get a good 20 or 25 years — it will be our turn. It will seem like yesterday to our kids, because in essence it was.
Age makes you realize that you wasted too much energy on things that did not matter. You can’t get that time back or put it in a bottle, even though you wish you could.
And you probably don’t even realize it at the time. The last time you hold your child in your arms. The last time you see your older uncle. The last time you run on the beach, the last time you ski, the last time you get out of bed, and the last time you take a breath. Take a moment to reflect on exactly what this means. Don’t wait for future moments to bring happiness into your life.
Your life is now.
In their fifties, they worry about losing capacities. By their seventies, people worry about losing everything — control, relationships, and their very lives.
Aging is a series of losses. Personally, I think the hardest parts of getting older are found in the losses that people don’t want to talk about. Some are easier to discuss than others, and what one person finds easy to discuss can be an especially hard topic for someone else.
Cultural narratives about getting older often focus on the losses and rarely examine the gains. But a lot can be gained in getting older. If you really think about it, many of the gains stand opposite the losses.
We all benefit from open and honest discussions about getting older. The reality of aging reaches every one of us, and it helps to acknowledge the bad as well as the good.
People talk about failing health and worrying about running out of money, but here is something I don’t hear talked about: you become irrelevant and invisible. The whole “OK, Boomer!” dismissal is a perfect example.
Those of us of a certain age are immediately dismissed just because of our age. That’s a contrast from a hundred years ago, when elders were considered the wise ones. Nowadays, younger people are likely to write you off if you aren’t up on the latest apps or slang. It was always a little like that, but it changes much more quickly now, and the dismissal is more severe.
One more thing: seeing people your age die. Even in your 40s there will be folks from high school or college who die of cancer or accidents, but in your 50s it happens more often, and not always from “major” things — heart attacks, diabetes. Running into somebody from high school and seeing how old they look, and realizing you look that old to them, too. Or worse, running into somebody a few years younger than you in school and seeing how old they look!
It’s hard to explain to younger folks, but we really do still think of ourselves as we were in our prime — darker hair, more hair, thinner, no wrinkles — and when something like a photo jolts us back to reality, it’s an unwelcome check. Then to be mocked or dismissed for being old, and to realize younger generations aren’t interested in what the world was like before they came along, is depressing.
And one more: trying to keep up with popular culture. Even those of us who once fanatically followed every singer, movie star and TV celebrity can quickly lose touch with who is “in.” Doing crossword puzzles and knowing fewer and fewer of the celebrity answers is one sign. Hearing a song from ten years ago, which we still think of as new, called an “oldie” by younger folks is another. And realizing that our music from the ’70s and ’80s is as old to young people now as the music of the ’30s and ’40s was to us then!
Nobody ever loves you like Grandma loved you, and you never get that back. So you have fifty years to remind yourself that you could have seen them more often. Then aunts and uncles start dying off. If you are paying any attention at all, you hang around with your parents a bit more. And one day you wake up and realize your parents are gone. You’re an orphan.
Maybe there’s a little inheritance, but after you split it with your siblings it’s not that much. You realize that if you get into a financial problem now, you have to get yourself out. And what happens if your kids get in a jam? Who goes to the bank then? Better take this financial planning stuff seriously. Go to a high school reunion and see how many of your classmates have died since the last one. Maybe bury a spouse or, God forbid, a child.
I am a happy guy, mostly. This answer makes it sound like all I think about is dying. It’s not, but neither is it very far from my mind. I don’t understand why anyone wants to live to be a hundred. I am not ready to check out yet, but it does seem like I am nearing my share of funerals.